My beautifully broken story

One night. One night completely changed my life, before that night, these are the things I wanted; I always wanted to have my life together. I wanted to be viewed as an individual who was strong, I didn’t want others to see my cry or upset. I wanted to have control of my life, my body & my relationships.

I had all these ideas of the qualities I should possess & honestly, I had all those things listed above. I would tell myself, “I’ve got this under control,” and I did, until the Lord shook my world…..

One night I lay awake on the bathroom floor, sick. Hours upon hours I threw up, too many times to count. My weary eyes would close for an instant, only to be awoken by my churning stomach just moments later. Feeling as if my whole body lost every ounce of fluid it owned, I lay weak and exhausted. Hoping that the sight of the sun would bring a new day along with rejuvenation and some saltines, I slowly made my way to the couch.

As a 15 year old girl I got sick. Not the kind of sick that lasts 24 hours, or 2 weeks, not the kind of sick that was going to put me on my death bed, but instead a kind of sick that would drag on for years. A kind of sick that even the doctors could not fix. The kind of sick that leaves you hurting and confused.

Ultimately the kind of sick that the Lord would use for His glory; to break me, strengthen me & teach me.

I was in and out of doctors, labs, and testing’s, drawing blood left and right and still being left perplexed. Nurses left me feeling as if I was simply a rag doll, being pricked and stuck and thrown around, as they called ‘NEXT!’

One of the hardest parts was we had answers, just not any solutions. Tests would come back positive, but with that result, was no real direction. “Well, you test came back positive, unfortunately we don’t have a real way to fix it. Avoid things that make it worse.”

Finally, one test came back positive, and this positive test would require surgery, with the hopes of full recovery after this procedure I was ready to go. I was not worried about anesthesia, I was not worried about how long it would take or even if it would hurt afterwards. The one and only thing I was worried about were the scars; they would give me, a 15 year old girl, yet another reason to be self-conscious.

I remember going into surgery, thinking to myself ‘be strong, the Lord is with you.’ It was in that moment that I realized that I’m not strong alone, I never will be, it’s the Lord who gives me strength.

No luck. Although this surgery removed some physical pain, I was still left sick.

Left thinner than I had ever been, looking scary skinny I remember trying on my prom dress at the alteration store. As I put the dress on and looked in the mirror, I pushed my ‘fat stomach’ and thought to myself, ‘you look so pudgy.’

I didn’t have the typical high school experience. Prayers with my boyfriend and family consumed my weekends and nights. Praying for the Lords plan to be revealed and pain to cease, so I could rest my restless body. With no real explanation as to why these things were happening to me, we simply had to trust.

The surgery didn’t fix me. I slowly started losing control. I lost control of my weight. Gaining un-controllable amounts, for no reason, I lost control of my food intake & I lost control of my body. Not even the doctors had control. No one was able to fix it, and here I was.

Here I was, leaning on the Lord for strength, praying for answers, and begging for healing. Yet, slightly grasping onto control, refusing to completely let go.

In this season of my life I lost friends, people I thought cared about me, didn’t. None really reached out. Although, everyone was probably left confused by the situation, not knowing how to respond, I slowly started feeling isolated. A few people remained, but I never fully let them in. I was embarrassed by the lack of solutions to my answers and because of that I didn’t want to talk about it.

Trusting that this was all part of the Lords plan for me, I’d cry alone and beg for his strength.

As I pushed and pushed my body, refusing to completely accept the fact that my body wasn’t the same, I only got more and more frustrated. I vividly remember one occasion. All I was able to keep down that day was an orange, hoping that I could mentally convince my body that, that was enough to get me through the 2 mile race, I lined up at the starting line. A race that I had won metals in, in the past, was now a race I was just begging to get through. My body quickly reminded me that it wasn’t capable, but I kept pushing, determined to finish. As I crossed the finish line, I realized I was in last place, a place I had never experienced. The feelings of humiliation and frustration filled my body.

My whole world changed, as a junior in high school, activities that consumed hours of my days where taken away from me, due to the physical condition of my body.

The following year I was still sick, I then lost another activity that use to consume hours of my days.

As a senior in high school I had early release with all distractions & activities stripped away, I now had more free time, than ever and I had no idea what to do with. (The Lord did this on purpose, of course) I got a job as a nanny to fill some time. I started reading Christian books, reading the bible more, journaling my thoughts, praying like crazy and The Lord really started to heal my heart. The Lord removed people from my life so that I could see the beauty in the friendship He has to offer. By removing friends from my life he taught me that it’s far more important to have a few people who care deeply, than to have a lot of people who don’t.

In this season, the Lord brought a new friend into my life. A friend that was going to love me, pray for me, encourage me and be a true sister in Christ. The Lords timing was impeccable.

Realizing that the Lord was drawing me to a place of full dependence on Him I started to see the beauty of letting go.

I began to start letting go of control and the way it consumed my heart. Coming to a place of learning what it’s like to really, truly trust in the Lords plan and to honestly say, “Father I’m in this fight for you, for your glory, may your will be done.”

Still not having complete physical healing, I packed up my boxes and headed off the college, with a new trail medication in hand and a hopeful heart. I started to feel better, slightly, but better. My prayer that school year was “Lord break my heart, break me down and build me back up,” and He definitely broke me, pushing me farther and farther.

The medication I was taking was helping, until I was informed that I couldn’t receive any more until further investments were made to the medicine company. Since it was a trail it had to go through a process before becoming massed produced and put on the market. I was thankful that I had found something that helped, yet sad that it would require more patience.

My weight was out of control; while I was only consuming few calories due to stomach issues I was gaining weight. Issues with self-esteem and self-image arose again. Trying to fight of the lies of the enemy, the Lord whispered, “you are beautiful, you are mine and you are enough.”

I was suppose to get more medication, but months and months went by and no medication. In this time my family and boyfriend would remind me, you can do this, only a little bit longer and you will have your medication. I gained more weight. I felt sicker than I had in a long time. The Lord was testing me and this time I gave up control. 

I had been planning my first mission trip to Africa, a place I had wanted to go since I was a little girl. I was excited for this opportunity and ecstatic to see how the Lord would use this situation to teach me and push me. My family, boyfriend and loved ones were concerned about my eating situation. I prayed and prayed and I felt so called to go. The Lord kept telling, “I will be with you.” Thinking to myself that this meant I wouldn’t get sick, I hoped on the plane and left for Africa.

Day 3 of my three-week trip, I was awaken by the nauseated feeling in my stomach. Running to the bathroom, hoping this was a dream I quickly realized it wasn’t. I found myself awake and throwing up 3 times every hour. Miles & miles away from home, miles & miles away from my mom, miles & miles away from the comfort of my own bed and miles & miles away from American doctors. As I lay in my bed crying, grasping my stomach I began begging desperately to the Lord to get me through that night. Praying all night long I talked to the Lord, I had none else to talk to and none else to lean on.

I went three weeks, consuming a max of 100 calories a day. Looking at those numbers scientifically you’d think I’d barley be able to function. Miraculously, by the Lords help I made it through three weeks, spending my days loving on children, playing games, reading, teaching, pushing swings and walking a mile and a half back home. I felt so weak, yet so strong at the same time. I was so physical weak, yet the Lord was working through my helpless body. Relying on the Lord was the most rewarding experience of my life. 

Finally, after arriving home I was able to take my medication after I had been 6 ½ months without it. My stomach improved a lot! I was eating consistently, I had more energy and I was on the road to recovery.

I was still concerned about the unwanted weight. I was lead to believe once my stomach was fixed that I would lose all the weight, but that didn’t happen.

Months later the doctors found another issue. Starting my sophomore year of college, believing I was close to becoming healthy again I was more hopeful than ever.

Bump after bump after bump occurred, one issue after a next.

Crying out to the Lord saying, “I’ve hit rock bottom!!” Only to be reminded by the next issue that rock bottom got deeper. Although I still haven’t reached full recovery, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. During these months, I saw the beauty in being broken.

The Lord took a sickness and made it beautiful. The Lord made me who I am today, through the hardships I experienced. The Lord taught me, fought for me and protected me.

My scars are not evidence that I have been wounded, but evidence that I have been healed.

I now see the beauty in my flaws; I see the beauty in letting go. I truly see the beauty in allowing the Lord to be my comfort, provider, healer and the one in control. If my life had gone the way I planned, I would have missed out on the Lords plan.

The things I wanted before are no longer things I desire. I don’t want to have my life together, because that puts me in the drivers seat. Having my life together is a lie, I will never have it all together, each day bringing a new trail full of twists and unplanned interruptions allows for the beauty of the Lord to intervene.

I no longer wanted to be viewed as a women who is afraid to show emotions, being strong is unobtainable. The Lord has wired us to feel. There is beauty in my weakness, because it shows I need His strength. I no longer want to have control of my life, my body and my relationships, for He breathed life into me, I am His. There is beauty in knowing someone far wiser is in control.

The Lord shook my world…..broke me down, and is mending me back together, stronger, wiser and even more beautiful than before.

It’s in my cracks and brokenness that the Lords light can now shine through. There is so much beauty in being broken.

Thank you to my incredible parents for providing for me, protecting me and doing everything to take care of their little girl.

Thank you to my friends that have encouraged me and prayed for me.

Thank you to my second family, the Fords for always doing everything you can to help me.

Thank you to future husband, the man that has been by my side on this entire journey. You are the best partner.

I am so blessed.

xoxox, 

Katelynn