One night. One night completely
changed my life, before that night, these are the things I wanted; I always
wanted to have my life together. I wanted to be viewed as an individual who was
strong, I didn’t want others to see my cry or upset. I wanted to have control
of my life, my body & my relationships.
I had all these ideas of the qualities
I should possess & honestly, I had all those things listed above. I would
tell myself, “I’ve got this under control,” and I did, until the Lord shook my
world…..
One night I lay awake on the bathroom
floor, sick. Hours upon hours I threw up, too many times to count. My weary
eyes would close for an instant, only to be awoken by my churning stomach just
moments later. Feeling as if my whole body lost every ounce of fluid it owned,
I lay weak and exhausted. Hoping that the sight of the sun would bring a new
day along with rejuvenation and some saltines, I slowly made my way to the
couch.
As a 15 year old girl I got sick. Not
the kind of sick that lasts 24 hours, or 2 weeks, not the kind of sick that was
going to put me on my death bed, but instead a kind of sick that would drag on
for years. A kind of sick that even the doctors could not fix. The kind of sick
that leaves you hurting and confused.
Ultimately the kind of sick that the
Lord would use for His glory; to break me, strengthen me & teach me.
I was in and out of doctors, labs, and
testing’s, drawing blood left and right and still being left perplexed. Nurses
left me feeling as if I was simply a rag doll, being pricked and stuck and
thrown around, as they called ‘NEXT!’
One of the hardest parts was we had
answers, just not any solutions. Tests would come back positive, but with that
result, was no real direction. “Well, you test came back positive,
unfortunately we don’t have a real way to fix it. Avoid things that make it
worse.”
Finally, one test came back positive,
and this positive test would require surgery, with the hopes of full recovery
after this procedure I was ready to go. I was not worried about anesthesia, I
was not worried about how long it would take or even if it would hurt
afterwards. The one and only thing I was worried about were the scars; they
would give me, a 15 year old girl, yet another reason to be self-conscious.
I remember going into surgery,
thinking to myself ‘be strong, the Lord is with you.’ It was in that moment
that I realized that I’m not strong alone, I never will be, it’s the Lord who
gives me strength.
No luck. Although this surgery removed
some physical pain, I was still left sick.
Left thinner than I had ever been,
looking scary skinny I remember trying on my prom dress at the alteration
store. As I put the dress on and looked in the mirror, I pushed my ‘fat
stomach’ and thought to myself, ‘you look so pudgy.’
I didn’t have the typical high school
experience. Prayers with my boyfriend and family consumed my weekends and
nights. Praying for the Lords plan to be revealed and pain to cease, so I could
rest my restless body. With no real explanation as to why these things were happening
to me, we simply had to trust.
The surgery didn’t fix me. I slowly
started losing control. I lost control of my weight. Gaining un-controllable
amounts, for no reason, I lost control of my food intake & I lost control
of my body. Not even the doctors had control. No one was able to fix it,
and here I was.
Here I was, leaning on the Lord for
strength, praying for answers, and begging for healing. Yet, slightly grasping
onto control, refusing to completely let go.
In this season of my life I lost
friends, people I thought cared about me, didn’t. None really reached out.
Although, everyone was probably left confused by the situation, not knowing how
to respond, I slowly started feeling isolated. A few people remained, but I
never fully let them in. I was embarrassed by the lack of solutions to my
answers and because of that I didn’t want to talk about it.
Trusting that this was all part of the
Lords plan for me, I’d cry alone and beg for his strength.
As I pushed and pushed my body,
refusing to completely accept the fact that my body wasn’t the same, I only got
more and more frustrated. I vividly remember one occasion. All I was able to
keep down that day was an orange, hoping that I could mentally convince my body
that, that was enough to get me through the 2 mile race, I lined up at the
starting line. A race that I had won metals in, in the past, was now a race I
was just begging to get through. My body quickly reminded me that it wasn’t
capable, but I kept pushing, determined to finish. As I crossed the finish
line, I realized I was in last place, a place I had never experienced. The
feelings of humiliation and frustration filled my body.
My whole world changed, as a junior in
high school, activities that consumed hours of my days where taken away from
me, due to the physical condition of my body.
The following year I was still sick, I
then lost another activity that use to consume hours of my days.
As a senior in high school I had early
release with all distractions & activities stripped away, I now had more
free time, than ever and I had no idea what to do with. (The Lord did this on
purpose, of course) I got a job as a nanny to fill some time. I started reading
Christian books, reading the bible more, journaling my thoughts, praying like
crazy and The Lord really started to heal my heart. The Lord removed people
from my life so that I could see the beauty in the friendship He has to offer.
By removing friends from my life he taught me that it’s far more important to have a few people who care deeply, than to have a lot of people who don’t.
In this season, the Lord brought a new
friend into my life. A friend that was going to love me, pray for me, encourage
me and be a true sister in Christ. The Lords timing was impeccable.
Realizing that the Lord was drawing me
to a place of full dependence on Him I started to see the beauty of letting go.
I began to start letting go of control
and the way it consumed my heart. Coming to a place of learning what it’s like
to really, truly trust in the Lords plan and to honestly say, “Father I’m in
this fight for you, for your glory, may your will be done.”
Still not having complete physical
healing, I packed up my boxes and headed off the college, with a new trail
medication in hand and a hopeful heart. I started to feel better, slightly, but
better. My prayer that school year was “Lord break my heart, break me down and
build me back up,” and He definitely broke me, pushing me farther and farther.
The medication I was taking was
helping, until I was informed that I couldn’t receive any more until further
investments were made to the medicine company. Since it was a trail it had to
go through a process before becoming massed produced and put on the market. I
was thankful that I had found something that helped, yet sad that it would
require more patience.
My weight was out of control; while I
was only consuming few calories due to stomach issues I was gaining weight.
Issues with self-esteem and self-image arose again. Trying to fight of the lies
of the enemy, the Lord whispered, “you are beautiful, you are mine and you are
enough.”
I was suppose to get more medication,
but months and months went by and no medication. In this time my family and
boyfriend would remind me, you can do this, only a little bit longer and you
will have your medication. I gained more weight. I felt sicker than I had in a
long time. The Lord was testing me and this time I gave up control.
I had been planning my first mission
trip to Africa, a place I had wanted to go since I was a little girl. I was
excited for this opportunity and ecstatic to see how the Lord would use this
situation to teach me and push me. My family, boyfriend and loved ones were
concerned about my eating situation. I prayed and prayed and I felt so called
to go. The Lord kept telling, “I will be with you.” Thinking to myself that
this meant I wouldn’t get sick, I hoped on the plane and left for Africa.
Day 3 of my three-week trip, I was
awaken by the nauseated feeling in my stomach. Running to the bathroom, hoping
this was a dream I quickly realized it wasn’t. I found myself awake and
throwing up 3 times every hour. Miles & miles away from home, miles &
miles away from my mom, miles & miles away from the comfort of my own bed
and miles & miles away from American doctors. As I lay in my bed crying,
grasping my stomach I began begging desperately to the Lord to get me through
that night. Praying all night long I talked to the Lord, I had none else to
talk to and none else to lean on.
I went three weeks, consuming a max of
100 calories a day. Looking at those numbers scientifically you’d think I’d
barley be able to function. Miraculously, by the Lords help I made it through
three weeks, spending my days loving on children, playing games, reading,
teaching, pushing swings and walking a mile and a half back home. I felt so
weak, yet so strong at the same time. I was so physical weak, yet the Lord was
working through my helpless body. Relying on the Lord was the most rewarding
experience of my life.
Finally, after arriving home I was able
to take my medication after I had been 6 ½ months without it. My stomach
improved a lot! I was eating consistently, I had more energy and I was on the
road to recovery.
I was still concerned about the
unwanted weight. I was lead to believe once my stomach was fixed that I would
lose all the weight, but that didn’t happen.
Months later the doctors found another
issue. Starting my sophomore year of college, believing I was close to becoming
healthy again I was more hopeful than ever.
Bump after bump after bump occurred,
one issue after a next.
Crying out to the Lord saying, “I’ve
hit rock bottom!!” Only to be reminded by the next issue that rock bottom got
deeper. Although I still haven’t reached full recovery, I see the light at the
end of the tunnel. During these months, I saw the beauty in being broken.
The Lord took a sickness and made it
beautiful. The Lord made me who I am today, through the hardships I
experienced. The Lord taught me, fought for me and protected me.
My scars are not evidence that I have
been wounded, but evidence that I have been healed.
I now see the beauty in my flaws; I
see the beauty in letting go. I truly see the beauty in allowing the Lord to be
my comfort, provider, healer and the one
in control. If my life had gone the way I planned, I would have missed out
on the Lords plan.
The things I wanted before are no
longer things I desire. I don’t want to have my life together, because that
puts me in the drivers seat. Having my life together is a lie, I will never
have it all together, each day bringing a new trail full of twists and
unplanned interruptions allows for the beauty
of the Lord to intervene.
I no longer wanted to be viewed as a
women who is afraid to show emotions, being strong is unobtainable. The Lord
has wired us to feel. There is beauty
in my weakness, because it shows I need His strength. I no longer want to have
control of my life, my body and my relationships, for He breathed life into me,
I am His. There is beauty in knowing
someone far wiser is in control.
The Lord shook my world…..broke me down, and is mending me back together, stronger,
wiser and even more beautiful than before.
It’s in my cracks and brokenness that
the Lords light can now shine through. There
is so much beauty in being broken.
Thank you to my incredible
parents for providing for me, protecting me and doing everything to take care
of their little girl.
Thank you to my friends that have
encouraged me and prayed for me.
Thank you to my second family,
the Fords for always doing everything you can to help me.
Thank you to future husband, the
man that has been by my side on this entire journey. You are the best partner.
I am so blessed.
xoxox,
Katelynn
