My beautifully broken story

One night. One night completely changed my life, before that night, these are the things I wanted; I always wanted to have my life together. I wanted to be viewed as an individual who was strong, I didn’t want others to see my cry or upset. I wanted to have control of my life, my body & my relationships.

I had all these ideas of the qualities I should possess & honestly, I had all those things listed above. I would tell myself, “I’ve got this under control,” and I did, until the Lord shook my world…..

One night I lay awake on the bathroom floor, sick. Hours upon hours I threw up, too many times to count. My weary eyes would close for an instant, only to be awoken by my churning stomach just moments later. Feeling as if my whole body lost every ounce of fluid it owned, I lay weak and exhausted. Hoping that the sight of the sun would bring a new day along with rejuvenation and some saltines, I slowly made my way to the couch.

As a 15 year old girl I got sick. Not the kind of sick that lasts 24 hours, or 2 weeks, not the kind of sick that was going to put me on my death bed, but instead a kind of sick that would drag on for years. A kind of sick that even the doctors could not fix. The kind of sick that leaves you hurting and confused.

Ultimately the kind of sick that the Lord would use for His glory; to break me, strengthen me & teach me.

I was in and out of doctors, labs, and testing’s, drawing blood left and right and still being left perplexed. Nurses left me feeling as if I was simply a rag doll, being pricked and stuck and thrown around, as they called ‘NEXT!’

One of the hardest parts was we had answers, just not any solutions. Tests would come back positive, but with that result, was no real direction. “Well, you test came back positive, unfortunately we don’t have a real way to fix it. Avoid things that make it worse.”

Finally, one test came back positive, and this positive test would require surgery, with the hopes of full recovery after this procedure I was ready to go. I was not worried about anesthesia, I was not worried about how long it would take or even if it would hurt afterwards. The one and only thing I was worried about were the scars; they would give me, a 15 year old girl, yet another reason to be self-conscious.

I remember going into surgery, thinking to myself ‘be strong, the Lord is with you.’ It was in that moment that I realized that I’m not strong alone, I never will be, it’s the Lord who gives me strength.

No luck. Although this surgery removed some physical pain, I was still left sick.

Left thinner than I had ever been, looking scary skinny I remember trying on my prom dress at the alteration store. As I put the dress on and looked in the mirror, I pushed my ‘fat stomach’ and thought to myself, ‘you look so pudgy.’

I didn’t have the typical high school experience. Prayers with my boyfriend and family consumed my weekends and nights. Praying for the Lords plan to be revealed and pain to cease, so I could rest my restless body. With no real explanation as to why these things were happening to me, we simply had to trust.

The surgery didn’t fix me. I slowly started losing control. I lost control of my weight. Gaining un-controllable amounts, for no reason, I lost control of my food intake & I lost control of my body. Not even the doctors had control. No one was able to fix it, and here I was.

Here I was, leaning on the Lord for strength, praying for answers, and begging for healing. Yet, slightly grasping onto control, refusing to completely let go.

In this season of my life I lost friends, people I thought cared about me, didn’t. None really reached out. Although, everyone was probably left confused by the situation, not knowing how to respond, I slowly started feeling isolated. A few people remained, but I never fully let them in. I was embarrassed by the lack of solutions to my answers and because of that I didn’t want to talk about it.

Trusting that this was all part of the Lords plan for me, I’d cry alone and beg for his strength.

As I pushed and pushed my body, refusing to completely accept the fact that my body wasn’t the same, I only got more and more frustrated. I vividly remember one occasion. All I was able to keep down that day was an orange, hoping that I could mentally convince my body that, that was enough to get me through the 2 mile race, I lined up at the starting line. A race that I had won metals in, in the past, was now a race I was just begging to get through. My body quickly reminded me that it wasn’t capable, but I kept pushing, determined to finish. As I crossed the finish line, I realized I was in last place, a place I had never experienced. The feelings of humiliation and frustration filled my body.

My whole world changed, as a junior in high school, activities that consumed hours of my days where taken away from me, due to the physical condition of my body.

The following year I was still sick, I then lost another activity that use to consume hours of my days.

As a senior in high school I had early release with all distractions & activities stripped away, I now had more free time, than ever and I had no idea what to do with. (The Lord did this on purpose, of course) I got a job as a nanny to fill some time. I started reading Christian books, reading the bible more, journaling my thoughts, praying like crazy and The Lord really started to heal my heart. The Lord removed people from my life so that I could see the beauty in the friendship He has to offer. By removing friends from my life he taught me that it’s far more important to have a few people who care deeply, than to have a lot of people who don’t.

In this season, the Lord brought a new friend into my life. A friend that was going to love me, pray for me, encourage me and be a true sister in Christ. The Lords timing was impeccable.

Realizing that the Lord was drawing me to a place of full dependence on Him I started to see the beauty of letting go.

I began to start letting go of control and the way it consumed my heart. Coming to a place of learning what it’s like to really, truly trust in the Lords plan and to honestly say, “Father I’m in this fight for you, for your glory, may your will be done.”

Still not having complete physical healing, I packed up my boxes and headed off the college, with a new trail medication in hand and a hopeful heart. I started to feel better, slightly, but better. My prayer that school year was “Lord break my heart, break me down and build me back up,” and He definitely broke me, pushing me farther and farther.

The medication I was taking was helping, until I was informed that I couldn’t receive any more until further investments were made to the medicine company. Since it was a trail it had to go through a process before becoming massed produced and put on the market. I was thankful that I had found something that helped, yet sad that it would require more patience.

My weight was out of control; while I was only consuming few calories due to stomach issues I was gaining weight. Issues with self-esteem and self-image arose again. Trying to fight of the lies of the enemy, the Lord whispered, “you are beautiful, you are mine and you are enough.”

I was suppose to get more medication, but months and months went by and no medication. In this time my family and boyfriend would remind me, you can do this, only a little bit longer and you will have your medication. I gained more weight. I felt sicker than I had in a long time. The Lord was testing me and this time I gave up control. 

I had been planning my first mission trip to Africa, a place I had wanted to go since I was a little girl. I was excited for this opportunity and ecstatic to see how the Lord would use this situation to teach me and push me. My family, boyfriend and loved ones were concerned about my eating situation. I prayed and prayed and I felt so called to go. The Lord kept telling, “I will be with you.” Thinking to myself that this meant I wouldn’t get sick, I hoped on the plane and left for Africa.

Day 3 of my three-week trip, I was awaken by the nauseated feeling in my stomach. Running to the bathroom, hoping this was a dream I quickly realized it wasn’t. I found myself awake and throwing up 3 times every hour. Miles & miles away from home, miles & miles away from my mom, miles & miles away from the comfort of my own bed and miles & miles away from American doctors. As I lay in my bed crying, grasping my stomach I began begging desperately to the Lord to get me through that night. Praying all night long I talked to the Lord, I had none else to talk to and none else to lean on.

I went three weeks, consuming a max of 100 calories a day. Looking at those numbers scientifically you’d think I’d barley be able to function. Miraculously, by the Lords help I made it through three weeks, spending my days loving on children, playing games, reading, teaching, pushing swings and walking a mile and a half back home. I felt so weak, yet so strong at the same time. I was so physical weak, yet the Lord was working through my helpless body. Relying on the Lord was the most rewarding experience of my life. 

Finally, after arriving home I was able to take my medication after I had been 6 ½ months without it. My stomach improved a lot! I was eating consistently, I had more energy and I was on the road to recovery.

I was still concerned about the unwanted weight. I was lead to believe once my stomach was fixed that I would lose all the weight, but that didn’t happen.

Months later the doctors found another issue. Starting my sophomore year of college, believing I was close to becoming healthy again I was more hopeful than ever.

Bump after bump after bump occurred, one issue after a next.

Crying out to the Lord saying, “I’ve hit rock bottom!!” Only to be reminded by the next issue that rock bottom got deeper. Although I still haven’t reached full recovery, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. During these months, I saw the beauty in being broken.

The Lord took a sickness and made it beautiful. The Lord made me who I am today, through the hardships I experienced. The Lord taught me, fought for me and protected me.

My scars are not evidence that I have been wounded, but evidence that I have been healed.

I now see the beauty in my flaws; I see the beauty in letting go. I truly see the beauty in allowing the Lord to be my comfort, provider, healer and the one in control. If my life had gone the way I planned, I would have missed out on the Lords plan.

The things I wanted before are no longer things I desire. I don’t want to have my life together, because that puts me in the drivers seat. Having my life together is a lie, I will never have it all together, each day bringing a new trail full of twists and unplanned interruptions allows for the beauty of the Lord to intervene.

I no longer wanted to be viewed as a women who is afraid to show emotions, being strong is unobtainable. The Lord has wired us to feel. There is beauty in my weakness, because it shows I need His strength. I no longer want to have control of my life, my body and my relationships, for He breathed life into me, I am His. There is beauty in knowing someone far wiser is in control.

The Lord shook my world…..broke me down, and is mending me back together, stronger, wiser and even more beautiful than before.

It’s in my cracks and brokenness that the Lords light can now shine through. There is so much beauty in being broken.

Thank you to my incredible parents for providing for me, protecting me and doing everything to take care of their little girl.

Thank you to my friends that have encouraged me and prayed for me.

Thank you to my second family, the Fords for always doing everything you can to help me.

Thank you to future husband, the man that has been by my side on this entire journey. You are the best partner.

I am so blessed.

xoxox, 

Katelynn

The lies I've believed....

Social media is great at showing you the highlights of my life, but rarely do people know the bumps in the road, the deepest thoughts behind the screen & the lowest of lows.

This is me, being real, open & vulnerable! I'm going to share the lies that have lingered in my head on a daily basis & unfortunately at times, I’ve believed them to be true. Thankfully I serve a God that mends my broken heart, reminding me of the truth, but sometimes, sometimes some days are worse than other & these thoughts haunt me once again…

"You, you are not pretty, your curves are too big, your thighs too large, you waist to thick & your stomach, yikes it’s not even close to thin. Your smiles not big enough your eyes too large, your profiles ugly and your skins uneven. You are not smart, not even close! You'll always struggle no matter how hard you try. You don’t have enough friends. People find your presence annoying, your jokes are dumb your laughs too loud. You are not athletic not even the slightest, don’t play those sports don’t go on that run, you’ll just look dumb. You will never be healed, you’ll always be sick, something will always be wrong. Don’t even dream about a family, you’ll never have kids. Your feelings are dumb, hold back those tears. Stop thinking so much, the voice in your head echoes because you're all alone. You'll be an awful wife, you are not ready, you never will be. You don’t pray enough you never will, so why even try? Don’t leave this country don’t even try to tell others of the ‘good news’ because who are you? Who you are is a mess. Put down that book it’s too big to read, the words in there are not for you. You are not good enough look around, see I told you, it's true." These words although hard to admit, have echoed over & over in my mind far too many times. These lies are filled with discontentment, emptiness & lost hope. Satan is yelling these lies while the Lord is whispering "you are enough." So today I choose to drain out the lies & embrace the truth.

To anyone else out there who has ever heard these words, remember they are lies. You're not alone & you are enough!

What marriage means to me.

You are so young to be getting married! Why would you want to be tied down now? You haven’t had a chance to experience life for yourself! Don’t you want to start your career and make more money before you get married? You haven’t even dated anyone else, how do you know he’s the one you want to marry?

While these questions and statements do have some valid points, let me explain…
Yes, I am young this is true, but marriage doesn’t have an age requirement or limit for that matter. Marriage isn’t about how much of life you’ve experienced or about the money in your bank account. While those other things do play a role in marriage, they are not the determining factors.
Marriage is a convent.

The primary reason marriage is significant to God is because it is part of His ordained plan to provide the world with a picture of His love for mankind.
As Tyler and I embark on this new journey of becoming husband and wife we have established a marriage mission. Our marriage mission is to have a Christ-centered marriage that brings glory to God through the way that we love and the way that we live. We want to be servants of grace who give more that we’re given and forgive before we are forgiven. We want to love so radically that it confuses people and we want to walk through this messy life confessing we couldn’t do it without the grace of God.

It is so incredible that God brings two people together in such close unity that they become one. I don’t even know if I understand the fullness of that, but I do know that becoming one with Tyler will make me a much better person than I have ever been by myself.
Becoming one with Tyler will test my true Christian character. Moments of selfishness, pride, laziness, and impatience are going to be tempting and readily exposed on a daily basis.
In moments where I am tempted to react to my natural tendencies I will have the option to embody Christian character choosing to show sacrificial love, respect, submission, forgiveness, and perseverance.
Marriage will require me to grow deeper in my relationship with the Lord and embrace biblical means of resolving conflict and demonstrating Christian love.

I am marrying Tyler because I believe the Lord is calling us to enter the convent of marriage. He is calling us to embark on this journey that will be hard, exciting, joyous and sometimes painful, but He’s calling us to do it together. I believe if I sat around and waited until getting married made “sense”, that I’d be allowing satan to win because honestly, attempting to live this Christian life doesn’t often make “sense.”
At times I sat alone and pondered. Thoughts like, “Am I ready to be a wife? Will I be a good wife? Will I be ready to be a mom some day? What if I mix the red clothes with the whites? What if I burn his dinner? What if I say something hurtful in a moment of frustration? What if, what if, what if I’m never ready?”
The Lord spoke to me. I will never be ‘ready’ to be a wife.
Tyler will never be ‘ready’ to be a husband.
Being ‘ready’ is a lie.
It steals your hopes and dreams.
It paralyzes your feet from moving and cripples your heart.
It tricks you into believing that at some point, you’ll be ‘ready.’
Don’t be ‘ready.’
Be free.
‘Ready’ is for those who trust in themselves.
‘Freedom’ is for people who trust in the one who made them.

I will never be ‘ready’ for anything. I will never be ‘ready’ to be a wife. The future is uncertain, time is limited and everyday is a gift. I can’t and will not ever be able to fully equip myself alone to be ‘ready.’ How could I possibly be ready for something when I don’t know what that something is or what it will entail. I could spend hours upon hours attempting to get ‘ready’ but I much rather not waste my time trusting myself and instead rejoice in the freedom the Lord offers in trusting Him. The one who is always “ready.’
Tyler and I agreed that we will never be ‘ready’ to get married but we are ready to trust the Lord as we embark on this new journey of learning. Failing, messing up and falling short is all part of this beautiful journey of learning.
So getting married at a young age might not make sense to some people.
Something that makes sense to me is to marry the man that has loved me for 5 years. The man who has been by my side in the hospital, the man who’s grabbed my hands to pray, the man that teaches me to be still, quiet and to listen to the Lord, the man who possesses a childish joy that comes from the Lord, the man who has respected boundaries and fought to protect his future marriage, that, that man is the man I want to marry.
That is the man that Tyler is today. That is the man I want to give my life to. That is the man I want to spend the rest of my life loving, praying and encouraging.
So no, I don’t need to date anyone else to know that Tyler is the one. I may have never kissed another man, been on a date with another guy or experienced a different relationship, but I know that Tyler is the one the Lord has called me to commit my life to loving.
I’m not naïve to think that marriage is a fairytale, I know it will be hard, I know it will be messy, but I believe with the man I love by my side and The Lord leading the way, that marriage will be the biggest blessing.
so...marrying Tyler in 221 days, isn't soon enough.

xoxoxo

Sometimes, I don't want to get out of bed....

Sometimes, sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed. Sometimes I dread getting out of bed because my to-do list sounds way too overwhelming. Sometimes staying in bed sounds better than getting up to study for school. And frankly, sometimes I just simply want to... 

Be. Still.

That’s it! I desire to be still, and being still is something that doesn’t fit into my daily life once my feet hit the floor. So this morning I took a few extra moments to be still before I got out of bed & I was quickly reminded that….

That to-do list I was dreading, is a to-dos list because The Lord has blessed me with opportunities. Opportunities that so many people would beg to have.

That school work I was dragging my feet about, it's part of my life because I am getting an education. An education that so many people would beg to have.

That feeling of just wanting to be still, the lazy moment means I have to ability to move, walk & stand. Standing, yeah standing isn’t an option for some people. 

My movable body is a body so many people would beg to have. 

So the next time I ‘don’t want to get out of bed’ I am going to be still, reflex & be grateful for the things I have been given BEFORE my feet hit the floor.

xoxox Katelynn.

Purity

What purity means to me.

There's a difference in my opinion between being a virgin & being pure.

Purity pertains to the person as a whole. Pure in mind, pure in soul and pure physically. I believe that being a virgin is part of being pure, but I don't believe that being a virgin necessarily means you're pure. So, purity encompasses virginity, though virginity doesn't necessarily encompass purity.

See, being a virgin is refraining from one act. While being pure is pursuing the Lord and resisting the daily temptations that this world is filled with. Being pure is a daily effort.

Purity is not so much something that you lose, but something that you gain as you grow in the Christian life.

I believe the Lord calls us to be pure. In 6th grade I was young and sort of oblivious to the fullness of purity, but I asked for a purity ring. When I got my ring I promised God I would save myself for marriage, but as I got older I started to realize that there was more to that promise than I initially realized. I promised to be a virgin, but I wanted to be more than just a virgin. I wanted to strive to be pure, & being pure for me meant refraining from other acts that were intended for marriage.

Being pure meant cutting pop music out of my daily life, because the bad words and underlying meaning would linger in my mind. Being pure meant not surrounding myself with people who used language I didn't prefer or people who made different choices. Now, I'm not saying I couldn't be their friend or hang out with them; I just had to be careful how much time I allowed them because I'm weak. Let me say that again because it's important; I am weak, so weak, therefore I had to remove my self from certain things because I didn't want to allow satan to get a foothold.

Purity is something Tyler & I discussed before we ever started dating & we both agreed to strive for purity...not just to be virgins. We agreed that we cared about each other too much to take things that were meant for our future spouses. (little did we know, we would actually be each other's ‘future’ spouse, funny how God works!)

As our relationship has grown from year to year the Lord has reminded us to be faithful. He has reminded us that it will all be worth the loss of temporary desires.

I believe it's never too late to strive to live a life of purity. I serve a loving, forgiving & gracious God that wipes all our sins away with the simple words of "Lord I'm sorry, please forgive me."

It's never too late to live a pure life.

Tyler has something to say to the guys:

Men, we must set our sights on having a pure mind, body, and spirit. We must refuse to accept anything less. Purity in general is something that is hard to attain, and is almost looked down upon in our day and age. This seems to be especially true for men, who are expected to be driven by sex.

I always wanted to stay pure, but that does not mean it was always easy. It was not and is not and never will be easy. What motivated me was the thought of my future wife. I wanted the best for her and I wanted to be my best for her. Being the best for her meant focusing on purity and included keeping my mind and spirit pure while also keeping my body pure for her. Being around guys that talked about women disrespectfully or talked about inappropriate things was difficult for me. Soon after purity became more important to me, I realized I had to remove myself from guys who were not striving for purity.

Katelynn, The Lord knew dating you was perfect for me. I loved how much you loved the Lord, respected yourself, and respected your future husband. We were so open about our morals and agreed to embark on the journey of purity together. It always was and always will be attractive to me how much you desire to be pure.

I love you, I can’t wait for you to be my wife.

Fellas, this journey of purity is never going to be easy, but I encourage you to strive daily to be the Man of God you are called to be. Make choices that make it easier for you to stay pure. Surround yourself with Godly influence & arm yourself with scripture for when temptation comes. Be accountable to a friend group & remember you are not alone on this journey.

Pray for your future. Pray for your wife. Pray that together & separately you will devote yourselves to a life of purity & pursuit of Jesus.

Ty & I will be getting married May 29th 2016!!!

On that day we will still promise to strive for purity in our marriage. Not necessarily refraining from physical things anymore (because in a marriage those things are considered pure & holy) but we will strive for purity in our hearts, we will strive for pure thoughts and we will strive for our words and actions to come from a place of love and purity.

So we may no longer be considered virgins after May 29th 2016, BUT we will forever strive for purity.

 

I love you Tyler. Thanks for loving me & respecting me & more importantly respecting your future marriage by striving not only to be a virgin, but to be a man of purity. That is the manliest quality I believe any man could ever possess. Self-control, that comes from strength given by the Lord!

I am so incredibly honored to be your wife in 281 days...but then again who's counting!! 

Xoxoxo,

Katelynn

(& Tyler)

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Matthew 5:8

"Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.  Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and  purify your hearts,  you double-minded." James 4:7-8